"People deposit their misery somewhere in their body," says the character, Hallie, in author Sue Monk Kidd's first fictional novel.

 "People deposit their misery somewhere in their body."

I think the cancer is suppose to be a wake up call to feel all the passion life offers but it is hard to "feel" when being so numb from the shock.

My thoughts suggest that this is just my first go around with cancer, that this disease is now a part of my life.  I tell myself that these thoughts are just fear, yet my thoughts counter with it could just be 'innate knowing'.

So, what if this is just the first go around.  Let's say I get through this and have a few good years before it returns.  What do I want those "few good years" to look like?

Cancer asks;  "What do you want life to look like?"  "What is important?"  "What really matters?" 

I realize I have been pondering these questions but haven't answered them yet.

It is scary.  Scary that precious days are being wasted.  Scary to know that the days are indeed limited.

Perhaps I am feeling all this because the end of radiation is tomorrow.  At least radiation is doing something to "control" the cancer.  Maybe that is why women take Tamoxifen - it is like wearing a seat belt or not smoking - a sense of protection, but not a guarantee.  That is my issue with Tamoxifen, no guarantee of protection, only a guarantee of horrible side effects. I don't want to compromise the quality of my life, nor do I don't want to compromise the quantity.

I thought I would be happy to finish radiation, but I'm sacred.  After radiation there is nothing, just wait and see.

For all you positive thinkers, yes, I know I should think positive.  But if we don't admit and explore our fears, they will deposit somewhere in our body!