Last week I started the radiation treatments.  They last about 2-3 minutes and it is like getting an x-ray.  The machine moves to one side for a minute then rotates to the other side for a minute.  While it is happening I feel nothing.  Afterwords I feel tender and am starting to see a bit of pink, which may turn to a red sunburn with more treatments.  I think of it like lying in the sun for 10 minutes, then 10 minutes more, then 10 minutes more.  If each treatment is like 10 minutes by the time this is done I will have had 330 minutes or 5 1/2 hours of being in direct sun, so you can imagine what type of burn you would have.

Mentally I imagine the cancer cells getting fried after a day at the beach!  Yes, the healthy cells will have to reproduce, but they will replace the cancer cells.

I do have some questions running through my head such as; How will they know the radiation killed all the cancer?  Do they do another biopsy?  Or do they just assume?  I also have questions regarding the Tamoxifen; How do they know what my estrogen levels are? Is there a blood test for that?  Aren't I at an age where my estrogen production will naturally start to decrease?  Aren't there foods to avoid and foods to eat to reduce estrogen levels? Or is Tamoxifen just the blanket approach?

All that is on the physical level.  I am also spending time asking questions on the spiritual level.  In the book, "Love, Medicine and Miracle" author Bernie Siegel, MD poses such challenging questions as:

       1.Do you want to live to be a hundred? 
       2. What happened to you in the year or two before your illness? 
       3. What does the illness mean to you?
      4. Why do you need the illness?

As profound as these questions are, they may be better answered once I am past this rather than while I am in it.  You know the ole, 'hind site is 20-20'.  We would all like to think we would go through our challenges and come out with some profound life change or awareness...but what if we don't...what if it is just another human experience?

Everyone tells (reminds) me how strong I am.  That is what they see.  I don't always feel that way. What I feel is that I adapt well.  In thinking of Maslow's triangle I have created my own, as a way one may deal with change.  So far it goes like this...

Embrace Change

Accept Change

Adapt to Change

Lament Change

Rebel Change

I am not too often rebelling or lament, although on occasion I do, rather mostly I adapt which is a seemingly neutral position.  I can see 'accepting' and 'embracing' as a more positive approach, but am not there.  Perhaps that is where the profound lies. And perhaps it is easier to accept and embrace once it is past.